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Sunday November 23, 2008 |
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Jerry Springer--The Opera
What follows is a description of the DVD filming of the musical "Jerry Springer--The Opera." Please be advised that adult language is used. Bolded content is our emphasis. The studio audience for a taping of the Jerry Springer show sing about what they want to see on the show. Some hope for bare breasts, some for lesbians or bisexual dwarfs, some for a "chick with a dick."
The character of the "Warm-Up Man" gets the crowd excited before Jerry Springer comes out (played by an actor). He sings to the crowd that Jerry Springer is "bigger than Dave Letterman, bigger than Bob Hope. And give or take a few million, bigger than the fucking pope."
A cast of losers come out and sing about their problems. These are all vulgar and graphic. For instance, there is a "chick with a dick," and a guy who wants to be his girlfriend's "baby." By this he means that he wants to wear a diaper and have her treat him like an infant, and this will get him aroused.
The chorus sings that people all have different interests, explaining the sexual deviants on the show. One line is, "For some morning Mass, for others hairy ass."
Around chapter 9 of the DVD, the show goes to commercials. One of the commercials is a mock advertisement for a Christian charity. The motto is, "Give to Jesus, or die a horrible death." Another commercial is for guns, mocking Americans for a gun culture.
More deviants are brought out. In one scene (chapter 11) a stripper's mother, wearing a large crucifix, confronts her daughter. The mother informs her daughter that she wishes the daughter had died at birth.
There is a set, and a sign reading, "Jerry Springer Show--in Hell." A disclaimer is shown that reads in part, "It may not be suitable for viewers without a strong grasp of Judeo-Christian mythology."
At chapter 16 of the DVD, Jerry reads one of Satan's cue cards to introduce the next guest. Jerry hesitatingly reads that the guest is, "The hypocrite son of the fascist tyrant on high, Jesus of Nazareth."
Chapter 17 starts, and Satan is singing about Jesus. He sings, "So he turned the water into wine, oooh! So he walked across the freaking seas, oooh! So you got yourself crucified. Here's a little biscuit from me." Satan holds up an off-white cookie that resembles the Eucharist.
Jesus then grabs the biscuit from Satan and holds it above his head before throwing it down as he sings: "I am Jesus, son of man, son of Mary, son of God. So do not, do not, do not fuck with me. I do not want your biscuit. I want your love and your respect, for I am love and I love all mankind."
Jerry reads aloud one of the cards. He reads, "You call yourself Jesus, but you are not worthy of the name." Then Jerry looks up from the card and asks, "Who wrote this shit?"
At this point, Adam and Eve come out as the next guests. Adam is singing to Eve, "put your fucking clothes on, you stupid bitch." Eve responds, "Talk to the ass!"
In chapter 18, Adam, Eve and Jesus are talking. Jerry is trying to resolve the conflict between them all. Eve sings to Jesus that she shouldn't have been cast out of the garden for one simple mistake. Jesus responds that Eve had her chance, and she blew it.
When Jerry suggests to Satan that it may be impossible for him to get Jesus to apologize for casting Satan out of heaven, Satan and the choir sing out a warning, indicating that if Jerry doesn't succeed, he will be "fucked up the ass with barbed wire."
The choir sings, "Raped by an angel, raped by an angel, raped by an angel, raped by God!"
God sings that it isn't easy being God, as everyone makes bad choices and then turns around and blames God for their problems. He invites Jerry up to Heaven to "sit in Heaven beside me, hold my hand and guide me."
Jerry gratefully accepts, but Satan and God then get into a fight over him. Jerry is put in a cage and is going to descend into a pit of fire. He then gives a speech to convince everyone to keep him away from Hell. He steals lines from Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, and from Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. He ends with his own words: You're never going to agree on everything. And what's so bad about that? Satan, you're never going to get your apologies... Jesus, grow up for Christ's sake and put some fucking clothes on. Haven't you people heard of yin and yang? Love and hate? Attraction and repulsion? It's the human condition we're talking about here. Energy is pure delight. Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. And everything that lives is holy. And in conclusion, fuck you. Fuck you all.
All the action on the stage stops, and images of angels are projected onto the stage. The angels have the curves and breasts of females, along with male genitalia. The chorus starts to sing Jerry's words: "Energy is pure delight. Nothing is wrong and nothing is right."
Everyone is pleased with what Jerry said, and he is free to go. One of the perverts from the show, Baby Jane (she also got her sexual kicks from acting like a baby) lets him out of the cage. Jerry tells her that he wants to stay in Hell because he likes it there.
In chapter 22, Jerry pontificates, "I've learned that there are no absolutes of good and evil. We all live in a glorious state of flux... For better or for worse, history defines us by what we do and what we choose not to do. Hopefully, what will survive is love. So until next time, take care of yourselves."
Jerry then dies, and the chorus sings a closing song with the frequently repeated line, "3 nipple closet fucker, what the fuck." The chorus then comes out all dressed as Jerry, singing about how it's not easy to be Jerry Springer.
End of musical.
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