Bill Maher’s History of Anti-Catholicism, 1998-2024
CATHOLIC LEAGUE
For Religious and Civil Rights
April 12, 2024, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher justified the killing of innocent children through abortion. During his show, Maher said that pro-life Americans think that abortion is “murder, and it kind of is. I’m just okay with that. I am.” He followed that up by saying, “there [are] 8 billion people in the world, I’m sorry, we won’t miss you. That’s my position on that.”
December 1, 2023, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher did a segment on Christmas that de-legitimized the holiday as a pagan tradition rather than a celebration of the birth of Jesus. He began his segment with a caption at the bottom of the screen saying “Nativity Scheme” (a mocking play on Nativity Scene). He notes that since this is the first episode that has taken place in December in the show’s history—the show usually takes a break in December—it would be appropriate to discuss the season of Christmas. But instead of talking about the true meaning of Christmas, he clarifies that December 25 isn’t the actual birth of Jesus, calling it a “crock of sh*t” based on winter festivals celebrated by pagan religions. Maher then admits that while he enjoys the decorations and holiday aspect of Christmas and the memories he had of it growing up, he dismisses the existence of God by saying, “Christmas is fun if you accept that it’s just pretend.”
November 10, 2023, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher commented on the utter collapse of public schools and used it to lambast Catholics. During his show, he noted that public schools have declined in academic quality and that Catholic schools have become a better and safer alternative. But while he says positive things about Catholic schools, he still could not resist mocking the Church. He commented that Catholic schools are “completely based on bullsh*t” and joked about opening his own “non-Catholic Catholic school” that will be “without the religion and the molesting.”
September 9, 2022, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher took the opportunity on his show to sneak in a joke about Catholic priests while discussing the popularity of the new Top Gun movie. He joked that “somehow 96% of film critics loved Top Gun like a Catholic priest loves sleepaway camp.”
August 5, 2022, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher ridiculed the Catholic Church for spending money in support of a pro-life referendum in Kansas. In the monologue for his August 5 show he said that “the Catholic Church spent millions [on the referendum], millions that could have gone on to pay off kids they raped.”
February 18, 2022, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher mocked the Church’s decision to invalidate baptisms said by an Arizona priest that said “we baptize” instead of “I baptize.” Regarding the situation Maher said, “nobody gives a f*ck” adding that “out of all the areas for the Church to investigate this is the one you follow through on?”
June 18, 2021, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher said the following about a recent Supreme Court decision that upheld the religious freedom rights of a Catholic foster care agency: “On the other side of the ledger, the court sided with the Catholic church–big surprise, most of the court is Catholic. They sided with the church who believe it is their right not to work with gay parents to help adopt children. The church says their position has always been very plain, if children want to be around gay adults, they can become altar boys. I kid the church, always with love.”
September 25, 2020, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher went after Supreme Court Nominee Amy Coney Barrett for her Catholicism, describing her as “really, really Catholic.”
June 26, 2020, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher took a joke about adding ice cream music to delivery trucks and turned it into a bigoted attack on priests. In the joke, he said, “New Rule: UPS trucks have to play ice cream music….So let’s add the music and bring back memories of that summer day when you and your best friend got ice cream and your priest paid for it and then—okay, maybe not that memory.”
May 29, 2020, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher made a joke about priests on his show on Friday May 29. A picture of a woman praying with a priest in the middle of the street shows up on the screen. Referring to the picture he said, “Ma’am, I don’t know what you’re confessing to, but this is not safe. Not because of the virus or the priest is in the middle of the street, but because he’s within 500 feet of a school.”
February 1, 2019, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher was commenting on a recent report that claimed climate change would affect wine production when he made the following remark towards priests: “with no more wine…priests will have to get children in the mood with music.”
January 25, 2019, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] In response to the controversy surrounding the Covington Catholic High School students at the March for Life, Bill Maher criticized student Nick Sandmann, calling him “a little prick.” He then followed that with a joke about priest sex abuse, saying, “I do not get what Catholic priests see in these kids.”
July 8, 2018, “Bill Maher: Live From Oklahoma” [HBO] During a live stand up special, Bill Maher made sure to stereotype and mock the Catholic Church. After calling out Catholic League president Bill Donohue and the Catholic League for their boycott of his show 12 years prior, he followed it up with a crude joke on the Church: “I would say ‘Bill [Donohue], I’m no anti-Catholic, I’m anti-child f**king.’ Your organization has been caught doing a lot of that. That doesn’t make me a bad guy.”
November 17, 2017, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Bill Maher proved once again what a coward he is. He had ample opportunity to discuss the pathologically sick acts of Louis C.K., but just like the week before, he never addressed him by name, opting to make light of his conduct. Maher spoke up about Al Franken, only to say that (despite pictures of Franken molesting a woman) he “doesn’t deserve to be lumped in with Roy Moore, or Kevin Spacey, or Harvey Weinstein.”
Besides defending his perverted colleagues, Maher found time to stick it to Christians again. Toward the end of his show, he said that “Since this is our last show before Christmas, let’s never lose sight of the true meaning of the season. It’s not about presents and fruit cake and putting up extra lights to show you love Jesus more than your neighbor. It’s about a teenage virgin getting knocked up by God.”
November 10, 2017, “Real Time With Bill Maher,” [HBO] For Maher, the allegations against Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore—a Southern Baptist—offered an opportunity to take a shot at Catholics. Criticizing statements by Alabama state auditor Jim Zeigler comparing Moore’s alleged behavior to Mary and Joseph and the birth of Jesus, Maher said, “Using Jesus to justify child molestation? I mean, even Catholics went, ‘Tried it, doesn’t work.'” Then there was Maher’s obligatory resort to coarse, vile obscenity. Here was his take on the chastity of the Holy Family: “Joseph and Mary didn’t f***, isn’t that the whole point of that story?”
October 20, 2017, “Real Time With Bill Maher,” [HBO] After a guest, explaining how he has worked with Ku Klux Klan members, converting some of them from their white supremacist views, noted that some of them consider themselves Christians, Maher responded: “It’s always great to use logic on psychopathic murderers. That’s why religion is dangerous, because it’s completely f***king made up, so that anybody can put anything they want on it including horrific s**t.” When his guests pointed out that atheist communists had killed millions of people during the twentieth century, Maher replied, “That’s a dumb canard….Communism was the religion and Stalin was the god.”
August 11, 2017, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] While interviewing Richard Dawkins Maher made the following statement: “Criticism of religion is not the same thing as bigotry. I went through this with the Catholic Church ten years ago. They wanted to throw me off television, and they were like ‘You’re anti-Catholic.’ I’m not anti-Catholic, I’m anti child-f***ing…”
June 27, 2016, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Here is what he said on Friday night in front of his compliant guest, political operative and Roman Catholic Paul Begala: “I see that liberals, they talk about guns—I’m not a gun expert but I see a lot of people talking about guns who don’t know s*** about guns. I know a little. It’s like when the pope talks about vaginas.” “Three weeks later [after the Keebler elves got a Twitter account], look at some of the tweets from this guy @popefrancis: ‘at least my big dumb hat gets me p***y.'”
February 1, 2016, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO], Maher equates Isis with Bible: Bill Maher quoted Marco Rubio as saying, “We are clearly called by the Bible to adhere to our civil authorities, but that conflicts with our requirements to adhere to God’s rules. So when those two come into conflict, God’s rules always win.” To which Maher said, “No! That’s what ISIS believes.”
January 25, 2016, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO], Maher and guest Seth MacFarlane insult Christians:
“…you’re so lucky that you do cartoons,” Maher told the creator of Fox’s “Family Guy,” “because the things you get away with in cartoons—I’m so jealous of …” The example he chose, predictably, was the repugnant Dec. 7, 2014 episode of “Family Guy.” Titled, “The 2000-Year-Old-Virgin,” it defiled Jesus. “I saw your show, it was a repeat, I know,” Maher recounted. “Jesus was f**king Peter’s wife, but it was a scam. He was f**king a lot of people’s wives—and this was your Christmas show.” Maher, MacFarlane and the “Real Time” audience then shared a good laugh.
June 5, 2015, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO], Maher dismisses concerns about anti-Christian discrimination: Maher says Christians have no basis to complain about being defamed or discriminated against because they constitute a majority of the nation. “Seventy percent of the country is Christian, not to mention every president we’ve ever had,” he said. He also said that “conservatives who constantly whine that Christianity is under attack from liberals have to explain why there are over 300,000 churches in the U.S. but only 400 Whole Foods.”
March 20, 2015, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher and guest Gerald Posner discuss Catholics and the Holocaust: Maher used Pope Benedict to mock Jews and the Blessed Mother. He introduced Posner, author of a critical book on the Catholic Church, and joked about priests abusing children. Posner then commented on those who administered the concentration camps, saying that “three-quarters of the Nazis were Catholics. Several were also Lutherans. But the hierarchy was all Catholic.”
January 16, 2015, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO], Maher curses the pope: After Pope Francis implored us not to insult other people’s religions, Bill Maher responded during his show by saying, “He’s dead to me now. Oh yeah, F*** the Pope.”
July 18, 2014, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher called the pope a pimp during his “New Rules” segment: “New Rule. The pope is a pimp. I’m serious. I find myself wanting to ask this pope a question I never wanted to ask a pope before: Can I party with you?”
July 11, 2014, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO]m Maher discussed the Hobby Lobby abortifacient case that the U.S. Supreme Court decided. Here is an excerpt:
- “…but the five Catholic men on the Supreme Court agreed with Hobby Lobby that those women who have pleasure sex should be saddled with a baby.”
- “And those five Catholic men on the Supreme Court, they know that God loves every tiny spec of human life, every single sperm from the moment it leaves the penis, until it tries to sneak into America. Then you’re on your own.”
- “…the five Catholic men on the Supreme Court they decided that, I think, that Catholic doctrine trumps federal law.”
- “I just think that it’s a little suspicious that its five Catholic men, and the Catholics do the thing about ejaculating. They do.”
May 16, 2014, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” [HBO] Maher commented on Pope Francis’ remark that he would baptize aliens: “This week Pope Francis said he would baptize aliens if they came to Earth. I love you, Frank, but that is some Mitt Romney-level crazy pope. I’m pretty sure any beings advanced enough to travel hundreds of light years aren’t that interested in getting sprinkled with magic water. Besides, given the past history of fondling and groping, the last thing the Church needs is a 50-foot-priest with six arms.”
November 22, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], Maher and guest Dan Savage on priests and gay marriage: Maher commented on gay couples who adopt children, alleging that a Hawaiian bishop said these kids had a greater chance of committing suicide. Here is how Savage responded: “That’s total bulls***. He’s confusing children of gay parents with children who are raped by Catholic priests. Sorry, I am just done being lectured about children and their safety by Catholic-f***ing bishops, priests, cardinals.” Shortly thereafter, Savage again remarked about “kiddie-f***ing Catholic priests.”
November 19, 2013, “The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell” [MSNBC], on religion: Maher was a guest on the show. While discussing the government shutdown from October and the threat of another shut down, Maher said: “I never understood why people who hate government go into government, that’s why I’m not a priest.”
November 15, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], Maher attacks the Pope: In Maher’s latest rant, he took after the pope, Sarah Palin, and Palin’s daughter, Bristol.
The skit was a series of mock tweets featuring the pope and Palin.
- Pope: “Listening to you, I’m reconsidering my stance on birth control.”
- Palin: “Yeah. How’s that sex with teenage boys working out for you?”
- Pope: “I don’t know. How’d it work out for your daughter?”
November 1, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], Maher brands Pope a child rapist: Maher showed a picture of the young boy who approached Pope Francis, and then sat on the pope’s chair. Pope Francis welcomed him, but Maher’s picture showed the pope’s hand on the child’s head and Maher said “No, Pope Francis, I thought you were different,” implying that the pope is a child rapist.
October 30, 2013, “Piers Morgan Live” [CNN], on religion: Maher was a guest on the show. While discussing the government shutdown, Maher says that “If you hate government, you shouldn’t do it. That’s why I’m not a priest.”
October 25, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], repeatedly insults and attacks Catholics, Christians and Pope Francis: Maher made reference to German Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst and claimed that Pope Francis “fired the [German] bishop of bling” because he was “getting the altar boys drunk on Cristal”
Later on, Maher’s panel of guests consisted of Michael Moore, Al Sharpton, Valarie Plame and Richard Dawkins. According to Maher, liberals are “worried they’re going to be called racist if they criticize Muslims.”
Sharpton: “There were Christian klansmen that were Christians, KKK members who burned crosses.”
Plame: “Yeah, but now there are Christian Dominionists that are just as extreme.”
Maher: “This is not just the same. Look, I’m no f**king Catholic or Christian, but one is herpes [Christians] and one is cancer [Muslims].”
October 9, 2013, “The Arsenio Hall Show” [WPIX], on religion: Maher was a guest on the show. While discussing the government shutdown, Maher said “You should not be in government if you hate government. That is why I am not a priest.”
August 2, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], implies that Pope Francis and all clergy are homosexual:
Maher: “… In other gay news, did you see the pope got drunk again and, ah, I love this pope, he just says what he thinks. He said gay Catholics shouldn’t be marginalized. He said, ‘Who am I to judge them?’ And I think it’s like anybody else, you know, when you get to know gay people, they don’t, you know, come off as gay, they come off as people. You stop being anti-gay. And who has more gay friends and co-workers than a pope?”
Later in the show Maher announced he would be taking a five week vacation and predicted what the headlines will be while he’s off. He displayed several mock headlines including a mockup of the headline, “Pope Francis Moves to Massachusetts Marries Longtime Companion.” Below it was a picture of Pope Francis and an elderly man.
July 19, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on World Youth Day: “This is World Youth Day for the Catholic Church … I mean this is a big jamboree – look at that! This is where all the kids in the world get together with priests. What could go wrong?”
July 16, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” blog, on Pope Francis clearing Pope John Paul II for sainthood after a second miracle was confirmed: “I’m sorry, for those believers out there, aren’t these ‘miracle’ tales kind of a tell that this religion is completely full of sh*t?”
June 14, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Francis and the alleged “gay lobby” in the Vatican: Maher implied that Pope Francis is homosexual when he said the following: “The other big story, Pope Francis…This week he said there is a gay network inside the Vatican…They go by the code names cardinals and priests…Hey, Padre, I hate to tell you, there’s also a gay network here, it’s called BRAVO. And this fall they’re presenting the real homosexuals of Vatican City. ‘Whatever, Monsignor, I didn’t come here to make friends’ (gay affectation)….and he has vowed to find out where all this gayness was coming from. And then he gathered up his long white dress, he turned on his bright red heels and he flounced right out of the steam room.”
May 31, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Francis, the Church, and priests: The following occurred between host Bill Maher and Paul Rudnick, author of the anti-Christian play, “The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told”:
Maher: “I want to ask you and everybody else about something that happened this week that was important to me because I am an atheist…You know when somebody says something obvious, ‘Oh, is the pope Catholic?’ I think he might not be. I think the Pope might be an atheist. There I said it. Like I think Obama is, because, he said this week, Pope Frank said, ‘The Lord has redeemed all of us, not just Catholics, even the atheists.’ And I was like, I am going to book my flight to heaven right now.”
“And then of course, it’s funny, because, you know, it’s just like politics. The hierarchy at the Vatican was like, ‘What the fuck did this guy just…?’ You could almost see them preparing the poison. You know, it’s like, luckily we’ve got a spare pope. This guy, ixnay on the. You know, one of the key things in this religion and most religions is, ‘Oh, monopoly, only through us.’ Even hippie Jesus said that. ‘Only through me.’ So this guy’s saying everybody gets into heaven. So then they had to walk it back…and the Vatican said – I don’t, do you have it?
Rudnick: “I have it. The Vatican spokesman quickly intervened Father Thomas Rosica said quote, ‘People who truly know the Catholic Church cannot be saved if they refuse to enter or remain in her.'”
Maher: “Remain in her?” [sexual innuendo]
Rudnick: “Yeah, presumably without using a condom. You wonder if they ever vet any of their statements.”
Maher: “It made me think that, you know, I remember when I was making ‘Religulous,’ and we talked to a lot of priests. And we found out that a lot of priests really aren’t believers. They do it because, no, some of them do it for the sex. That’s true, but some of them, I mean, no, there’s a lot of good ones, and they do it because it’s a way to help people and they know they can’t tell the masses that it’s all a crock. But they themselves don’t believe it. I think Pope Frank – what’s his real name?…his Argentinian name…it sounds like a very expensive pair of shoes. He’s a sophisticated guy from that era, and I think he’s, I’m telling you, I think the Pope’s an atheist.”
May 10, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on priests: The following exchange occurred between host Bill Maher and actor Zachary Quinto:
Maher: “They have to get right with the idea that more people who are rapists and violent go into the military. I mean, that’s sort of understandable. It’s a violent organization. Their job is violence…”
Quinto: “Maybe they should have a roundtable with the Catholic Church and try to come to some understanding of how to navigate this.”
Maher: “Well, you know, it’s funny you say that, but I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church: it’s a place they know they can get away with it.”
Quinto: “And that hierarchical structure prevents them from really being accountable to anybody.”
Maher: “Right, and they’re protected.”
May 3, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI: During the opening monologue Maher,” host Bill Maher referred to the pontifical summer residence at Castel Gandolfo as “Club Ped,” implying that Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is a pedophile.
April 2, 2013, “Jimmy Kimmel Live” [ABC], on teachings of the Catholic Church: Maher was a guest on the show and he called the Bible “a bunch of Bronze Age malarkey.” He stated that Catholic tradition “was not from Jesus or the Bible,” claiming that “most of this stuff” was “made up hundreds of years later by clowns in the Church.” When Kimmel asked Maher whether the Trinity was in the Bible, Maher responded: “No! Neither is Confession. They just pulled this out of their ass in the 12th century.” Referring to Limbo, Maher said “they just shamelessly invent it as they go along.”
March 22, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Francis: After labeling the pope a “virgin bachelor,” Maher opined, “What other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever and you still keep your customers?”
March 15, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI: After displaying pictures of notable persons holding signs mocking themselves, Maher showed a picture of the pope emeritus holding a sign saying, “Not actually sick…I just hated that f***ing job.”
February 15, 2013, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI: “Now…as you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio—you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and today—Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest’s lap.”
“It’s okay to let go. No one can fault you for losing faith in an organization that won’t even allow women as priests, because, the reasoning goes, Jesus didn’t have any female apostles. Yeah, you remember the Last Supper: a total sausage party.”
“The fact is that any enterprise that excludes women almost always descends into sexual deviancy. At least at my bathhouse.”
“Show me any culture that’s traditionally hostile to women, and I will show you a culture that is screwed up. Like the Taliban. Like our military with its enormous rape problem. And like the Catholic Church.”
February 11, 2013, “Conan” [TBS], smearing priests: “We found early this year or last year in the Republican primaries when the Republicans made contraception an issue, 98% of Catholics use birth control and the only ones who don’t are the priests. They would if altar boys could get pregnant.”
October 12, 2012, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the vice presidential debate between Congressman Paul Ryan and Vice President Joe Biden: “I have not seen an old Catholic guy give it to a young Catholic guy like that since I was an altar boy.”
May 20, 2011, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the 2011 John Jay Report on Sex Abuse in the Catholic Church: Maher and his panel of guests discussed the release of the 2011 John Jay Report on Sex Abuse in the Catholic Church. Maher branded all priests as abusers and falsely claimed that the report blamed the 60s for the abuse scandal.
Maher said, “Here is what they found: Not as bad as you think; it magically solved itself one day in 1985… And the Church isn’t the problem, celibacy isn’t the problem, repressed homosexuality isn’t the problem. You know what the problem was? The 60s… I’m not kidding, they said it was the permissive attitude of the 60s.”
March 11, 2011, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on a “Catholics Come Home” ad campaign: “The Catholic Church is changing. We get it. You don’t want us touching your kids. Message received. This chart shows alleged inappropriate behavior toward children since 90 AD. (Chart shows arrow going up every year). When we first started keeping records. We are going to bring those numbers down. We are not miracle workers but here is our pledge to you. You bring your kids back to church and there will be a significantly lower chance that he or she will be inappropriately touched—particularly she. And if one of our priests does touch one of your kids, you will dine absolutely free at Long John Silver’s. We’re the new Catholic Church and we know it’s time to roll up our sleeves and pull up our pants.”
October 19, 2010, “The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell” [MSNBC], on gay priests: “What’s interesting to me is the way conservatives—and I would put the military in this lately in the way they’ve been talking about it and the Catholic Church talk about gay as if it’s something that we really can’t resist if it’s around us. You know, that’s how the Catholic Church talks about it. You know, our priests are not sinning, they’re just giving into temptation when they’re molesting children and going gay and stuff like that.”
September 28, 2010, “Joy Behar Show” [HLN], on having faith: “Religion is all about sticking in fingers in your ears and humming. They don’t want to hear what the reality is. They want to believe what they believe. It’s—it’s not about critical thinking. I mean, faith is the purposeful suspension of critical thinking.”
“I don’t know if anybody could read the Bible and still want to be a religious person. It is a book that is filled with immorality, wickedness, and then just plain silliness.”
September 28, 2010, “Joy Behar Show” [HLN], on the Bible: “But it is a lot of wickedness, there’s a lot [of] God acting like a psychopath and just ethnically cleansing people and wiping people out…. I was pointing out on the show Friday night the Ten Commandments. You know, this is the ultimate list of the ten things right from God and it doesn’t include rape, incest, or genocide. That’s ok. That’s not on the top ten. But apparently swearing, working on Sunday and building statues to other gods, those are the things that are important.”
November 19, 2008, “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” [NBC], on Proposition 8:
Leno: “I don’t know how two people getting married will suddenly ruin my marriage. I was told this will ruin my marriage. If two gay people—how? What does it matter to me?”
Maher: “It doesn’t matter. And of course it’s all coming from religion, which is ironic because Jesus never said anything about homosexuality in the Bible. And, you know, what if Jesus was gay? I am not saying he was. But it wouldn’t make him any worse. I mean, it could be. He was a gentle guy, never got married. Every prayer ends with ‘ah, men.’ I’m just—What? What did I say?”
November 14, 2008,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on priest saying he would withhold Communion for people who voted for Obama: “A Catholic priest in South Carolina has told his congregation: if you voted for Obama you can’t receive Communion. That’s right, the cracker won’t let you get the cracker. He said supporting Obama constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil. Then he proceeds to pass around the plate so everyone could chip in to pay off the child f***ing lawsuits.”
April 11, 2008, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], attacking pope as Nazi and accusing him of covering up for molester: “And, finally, New Rule: Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there’s going to be some child f***ing going on. In fact, whenever a cult leader sets himself up as ‘God’s infallible wing man’ here on earth, lock away the kids.”
“Which is why I’d like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult. Its leader also has a compound. And this guy not only operates outside the bounds of the law, but he used to be a Nazi and he wears funny hats. That’s right. The pope is coming to America this week, and, ladies, he’s single!”
“Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Bill, you can’t be saying that the Catholic Church is no better than this creepy Texas cult! For one thing, altar boys can’t even get pregnant.”
“But, really, what tripped up the ‘little cult on the prairie’ was that they only abused hundreds of kids, not thousands all over the world. Cults get raided. Religions get parades. How does the Catholic Church get away with all of their buggery? VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!”
“If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you ‘pope.’ “
“It’s like if you can’t pay your mortgage, you’re a deadbeat, but if you can’t pay a million mortgages, you’re Bear Stearns, and we bail you out. And that’s who the Catholic Church is, the Bear Stearns of organized pedophilia. Too big to fail.”
“When the—when the current pope was in his previous Vatican job as John Paul’s Dick Cheney, he wrote a letter instructing every Catholic bishop to keep the sex abuse of minors secret until the statute of limitations ran out. And that’s the Church’s attitude: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.”
“Which is fine. Far be it from me to criticize religion. But, just remember one thing: if the pope was, instead of a religious figure, merely the CEO of a nationwide chain of daycare centers where thousands of employees had been caught molesting kids and then covering it up, he’d be arrested faster than you can say, ‘Who wants to touch Mister Wiggle?’ “
February 8, 2008,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on Mother Teresa: When Maher said, “Mother Teresa, who we found out recently, actually lost her faith,” Bob Costas then said Mother Teresa questioned her faith from time to time; she didn’t lose it entirely. Maher responded, “Well, but it’s Mother Teresa. Kind of like finding out Colonel Sanders doesn’t eat chicken.”
February 4, 2008, “Larry King Live” [CNN], on being an anti-Catholic bigot: “They accuse me of being a Catholic bigot. First of all, I don’t have it out especially for Catholics. I think all religions are koo-koo. Ok? It’s not just the Catholics. I’m not a bigot. Just because I wish for the demise of an organization that I think is entirely destructive to the human race, that doesn’t make me a bigot. I also wish for [the] demise of Hamas and the KKK.”
January 25, 2008, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], on the Virgin Birth: “But I think it is much more likely that there could be space ships from outer space, than what a lot of things people believe. People still believe, you know, excuse me I know I may inject religion into every show but UFOs are a lot more likely than a space god [that] flew down bodily and you know who was the Son of God and you know had sex with a Palestinian woman…”
January 4, 2008, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” [NBC], attacking religious faith and the Eucharist: “You can’t be a rational person six days of the week and put on a suit and make rational decisions and go to work and, on one day of the week, go to a building and think you’re drinking the blood of a 2,000-year-old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith…That makes you a schizophrenic.”
August 17, 2007,“Larry King Live” [CNN], on the release of his movie “Religulous”: “It should come out at Easter. I would like it out as soon as the time people are celebrating the space man’s flying up to heaven.”
May 22, 2007,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], attacking Catholicism, mixing it with homosexual themes: “And it’s easy to start a religion! Watch, I’ll do it for you: I had a vision last night! A vision! The Blessed Virgin Mary came to me—I don’t know how she got past the guards—and she told me it’s high time to take the high ground from the Seventh Day Adventists and give it to the 24-hour-party people. And what happens in the confessional stays in the confessional. Gay men, don’t say you’re life partners; say you’re a nunnery of two. ‘We weren’t having sex, officer, I was performing a very private Mass, here in my car. I was letting my rod and staff comfort him. Take this and eat of it, for this is my roommate Barry. And for all those who believe there is a special place for you in Kevin.'”
April 16, 2007, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], discussing religion and drugs: “Religion is bad, drugs are good.” On all religions: “Childish, destructive and nonsense.”
April 13, 2007,“Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], attacking the Eucharist: Maher showed a pictured of Keith Richards and said, “New Rule, snorting your father isn’t crazy.” Then, he showed a picture of a Catholic priest giving Communion and said, “Eating your father, that’s crazy.”
April 8, 2005, “Real Time with Bill Maher” [HBO], mocking the death of Pope John Paul II: “The Pope may be cold but this crowd is hot.”
“The Pope was laid to rest just as he requested, in a pine box with his drum sticks, an Allen Iverson jersey and then Bono came and poured Jack Daniels on the coffin.”
“People waited in line for 24 hours to see the Pope’s body and when they got to see the Pope they smelled worse than he did.”
“For those who could not make the funeral the Vatican has asked that in lieu of flowers just stop touching your d***.”
“American Catholics say, ‘We love the pope, he should be a saint but he is kind of full of sh*t on everything we believe.'”
“For a church that is so against homosexuals they put on a pageant that you could not believe.”
May 2003, “Bill Maher: Victory Begins at Home,” Maher’s Broadway show:
“What’s the reason for this insanity?” Maher had been discussing Islam. “One word: religion. The Catholics got away with f***ing kids.” When the audience gave a mixed reaction, he said, “Oh come on! Get the rod out of your a**!” He then impersonated an altar boy saying to a priest, “Put some more lotion on, Father,” and said, “Holy lubricant, Father!”
“Don’t regulate drugs: regulate religion. I was raised Catholic and I was not molested. I’m a little insulted. Apparently, I wasn’t attractive enough.”
“The problem is they drill religion into your head when you are very young. Well, when you are four years old you believe in Santa Claus, too. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, the Virgin Birth, sure! When you’re a priest everyday spewing this bulls*** about the apple and the snake etc. you can see him just saying, ‘Ah, f*** it, just blow me, kid!'”
“It’s so gay, the Church! With the robes and the smoke and kneeling in front of the priest with your mouth open eating God.”
“How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I’ll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It’s their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with f***ing kids, for crying out loud!”
June 20, 2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the canonization of Padre Pio: “Pope John Paul canonized him and the reason it sticks in my craw is because it just seems like they needed a saint badly, because they had a lot of bad P.R. with the whole, you know, we’re having sex with kids thing.”
June 5, 2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], responding to a guest who had said that no one wants to see the Catholic Church go away: “Well, no, I’d love to see the Church go away. And there are lots of people who would.”
May 22, 2002, on “Larry King Live” [CNN], on the Catholic Church: “Well, I wasn’t raised Jewish. My mother is Jewish. But I never even knew I was half-Jewish until I was a teenager. I was just so frightened about the Catholics and everything that was going on there in the church—and I was never, you know, molested or anything. And I’m a little insulted. I guess they never found me attractive. And that’s really their loss.”
May 10, 2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church: “So it is in this spirit that I offer this modest proposal that the Catholic Church just drop the pretense and just go gay. Just come out of the confessional. Preach the sermon on the mountain. Embrace it. Let the straight people be Baptists. It’s high time you gay Catholics stood up and announced to the world, ‘We’re here, we’re queer, get Eucharist.'”
May 7, 2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on sex abuse settlements: “I am not defending the Church. I have hated the Church way before anyone else. I have been pounding religion for nine years on this show.”
March 8, 2002, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the sex abuse problem: “Before puberty, I would say nobody caused me more pain than the Catholics.”
“I apparently was not attractive enough to be hit on [by priests].”
Jason Jones of Human Life International commented that the sex abuse problem was not prevalent in Europe or South America. Maher shot back, “You’re right. In African countries they rape the nuns.”
March 5, 2002, on “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the Eucharist: Kirk Franklin, a black musician, attacked the Eucharist by saying “gotta take the cracker.” To which Maher replied, “Gotta take the cracker from a cracker.”
October 27, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on Christianity and Halloween: “Christianity is grafted from paganism… It’s all about a man in the sky who’s going to send you in a burning lake of fire if you screw up… Which is the perfect description of religion itself. I mean, what is scarier than drinking the man’s blood every Sunday? That’s not a spooky ritual? ‘Here kids, drink his blood and eat his body.’ Like that’s not pagan? What can be more pagan than that?”
August 9, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on sex abuse: “Look, it’s a fact of life. Priests, a lot of times, molest boys, okay? They are celibate and it’s a magnet for homosexual pedophiles.”
July 11, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on celibate priests: “Be fruitful and multiply. What’s more weird than being celibate. There’s nothing more perverted than that.”
March 20, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the Annunciation: Maher commented that the Archangel Gabriel didn’t tell Mary she was pregnant with Jesus, he showed her his “horn had turned pink.”
March 9, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the celibate priesthood: “Priests are supposed to be celibate. They’re not having sex with women…. Just with the boys.”
March 2, 2000, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on anti-Catholicism in the wake of George W. Bush speaking at Bob Jones University: “Isn’t it amazing that this is an issue in this election? When was the last time you ever heard of a Catholic being bashed? … But when was the last time someone called you a Papist? I mean really, is this really going on nowadays?”
November 10, 1999, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on why many people don’t go to synagogue or church: “You shouldn’t, I don’t think, lump the synagogue in with the Church. They operate very differently, OK. The synagogue—and I’m not Jewish, but I was raised Catholic—was never as corrupt as the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church, which is people, not God running it, OK, hugely corrupt, did horrible things through history, maybe…because they were that powerful.”
“Catholics practice what they want to practice. They go to see the pope because he is a big celebrity, but they go home and they masturbate, they practice birth control…well they do.”
February 4, 1999, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the pope and abortion: “The pope had his dress up about the abortion issue.”
October 8, 1998, “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher” [ABC], on the Catholic Church: “But Catholics nowadays are like, you know, ‘The pope says we shouldn’t do this and this, but we really wanna pick and choose the parts of the religion that we feel fits us. You know the pope says you shouldn’t masturbate or have abortions, but that’s fine for him, he’s an elderly man, but for us…'”
